6 Months Since Bregan Grew His Wings....

Today marked 6 months since we held our Little Bregan for the last time. We miss him so much! I think it's so much harder on Aidan at times. She talks about Bregan everyday and she never got to meet him or hold him. But, she knows how important to everyone that he is and she feels a loss after many months of building her up for a little brother! Aidan is so sweet and is growing into quite the little lady. She is very SPIRITED and def a mini-me of both of us.
My MIL left after a visit this weekend. She was in for Dakota's high school graduation. Awwww, my first Baby graduated from Northeast High School with HONORS!! We didn't know it until we looked at the program! I don't think he did neither! He is such a Clever Boy! I will post pictures when I get them uploaded from my camera - I forgot the memory card, so they are on the cameras memory. Dakota will leave us for basic training in July at Fort Benning, GA. He will later go to Fort Bragg for his PSYOP AIT. I know a lot of confusing acronyms, I must get away from them - LOL! Anyway - we are going to miss our Big Boyo! Matthew will not have anyone to play video games and work on cars with. Aidan will miss her Dakota (Ko-Ko) and I will miss by first baby. I am so proud of him.
We lost my Momma on April 15th. She died after being in an unresponsive state for 9 days after falling and suffering a brain bleed. It was very sad to watch her slowly waste away. She had a DNR that prevented any life saving measures outside of pain management. However, I must say that Botetourt Funeral Home in Virginia, did an outstanding job on restoring her beauty! She looked REGAL!
Matthew is home from his last school in becoming an Army Officer. He has finally made the transition from being a Non Commissioned Officer. He starts degree completion at Austin Peay Sate University. He will be majoring in Accounting. I am so very proud him and I am looking forward to having him home for a bit.
We think of and miss Bregan every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't think about nursing him or cuddling him. Today I would have started introducing solid - maybe. I am very lazy when it comes to that - I am happy and contend to breastfeed - minimal work = maximum happiness!
We went to the Children's Garden Memorial at Vanderbilt Children's on the 17th of May. It was a very nice Memorial for all children that grew their wings while at Vanderbilt. There was a harpist there for the music, everyone (how wanted their child to participate) had the names read off, and then planted a flower in the Children's Garden in front of the hospital. It was very special. We really didn't want to go - but it was very healing and I am so glad we went.... I got to see Bregan's nurse there, Mylinda, she is sooooo sweet. She lost a baby 14 years ago and she knows our pain better than most. But everyone that works at Vandy are very special people!
I guess that is about all for now. I am not that great with keeping up with my blog. I am trying to spend more time away from the computer, but I know a few people do read it. I promise to upload some pictures (this century) soon. Thank you for reading and your continued prayers and thoughts.

4 Months....

Four Months ago today - Matthew and I said goodbye to our Sweet Bregan. Bregan grew his wings at 8 am on Thanksgiving morning (11/27/08) at 3 1/2 days old. I know it's easier to say he was 4 days - as he was born on the 23rd, but it's important that each moment in his short life was accounted for - KWIM?
So with each day, we heal a little more, but we never forget about our Angel at all. Aidan hasn't forgotten about Bregan, though she never met her little brother. She will still get pouty and say "my baby brother is in heaven". Dakota also misses Bregan and he sees the pain that I am in daily - I try not to be ill with him or Aidan over small stuff - but it's hard some days. I still show his pictures off and my heart still lurches with complete sadness for Bregan.
Matthew is still in AZ, so this separation has been very long and sad. Matthew did come home for the long President's day weekend in FEB. It was awesome to have him home, but it was too short! We are going to AZ to see him for Easter and happily Matthew will be home at the first of May to start degree completion at Austin Peay State University. It will be awesome to have him home for awhile instead of 2 or 3 months!
So for the past four months not a day goes by that I don't miss our Sweet Precious Little Angel! He was so beautiful - so prefect, even his funny looking little ear. I think it was folded in the womb for a few months - LOL! He even had this beautiful little birth mark on his forehead that was turn reddish when he was to warm or upset. He was just so beautiful - I will never forget his face or anything about him.
Every single day I regret my decision to choose the midwife that I did! To trust in someone so much and then have them let us down at the end! Time and time again I wish she had told me the name of the drug she was using to induce me or that I would have went to Blanchfield when I was feeling off or if we had just been more patient and let him come his own..... I begged and begged my midwife at Blanchfield to please induce me the week my husband was going to be home - but all I ever heard was no social inductions!! Arghh... It's not their fault and I do not blame them - I am just frustrated, that's all. Bitterness and anger does not even begin to describe how I feel about my midwife! Never were there any alarm bells that went off the whole time she treated me in concert with Blanchfield. I may have thought that she was not always as prompt for appointments that I wanted her to be. Though how many times have we sat in the doctor's office for 30+ minutes past our appointment time? My midwife gave me a drug - Cytotec that she knew little about and NEVER disclosed the dangers to me much less the exact name of it outside of prostagladins. Sadly I found out about it through another midwife, mine never, never, ever told me herself!! There is so much more I could say about it - but it only makes me angry and more bitter!
So here we are - without our Bregan 4 months on. I so wish we would have just had the doctor put a trach and a g-tube for feeding in him and we could have brought him home for a month or so. Just to have our baby sleep in his bed, hold him and change him and dress him and bathe him! But, with his extent of brain damage, it was his stem keeping him alive, so he would have always been "asleep" all day, everyday. Thankfully Matthew had the presence of mind to never let me talk us into doing that. It would have been harder, Aidan wouldn't have understood when she had to say goodbye to her Baby Brother, it would have been even harder to let him go and it would have been weird for Dakota as well.
In December Matthew and I got matching tattoos with Bregan's footprint and his dates. I was able to upload Matt's and I will have him take a picture of mine when he gets home. Also the awesome ladies from my MOMS Club gave me the prettiest Eternity Circle necklace - it had Bregan Michael on the front with Forever in My Heart on the back. Matthew also ordered me a really nice cuff bracelet from the same people that made my necklace. It has Bregan Michael on the front with his dates on the inside. I also ordered special vanity tags for our cars - Bregan Michael and his dates with little blue footprints. When you lose a baby - you can never do enough to let the world know he was here and real.
Thank you for reading and sharing Bregan with us through this blog. We miss him so much, but we are still so happy we got met him and love him - even if only for a short time....

A little Update...

Greetings all! I hope the New Year is treating everyone well. I know a few people still pop in here to see if I have had any updates or made any changes. Well I do have an update. About a month ago, I was speaking with another home birth midwife that actually knows the one that I used (I introduced the two of them through email). She informed me that my midwife used a drug on me to induce my labor called Cytotec. I was very shocked as I had never heard of the drug or heard my midwife make reference to it. Sadly my midwife only referred to the induction drug as "prostagladins", and while Cytotec is a form of prostagladin, she never told me the exact name. The worst part - she gave me a very large dose and large doses leads to exactly what happened to Bregan. Our sweet angel died a very horrible death, with brain bleeds, siezures and many more severe insults. We went to the autopsy report before Matthew left for school and it was soooo heartbreaking. I have been in touch with Bregan's doctor since I found out this information and he does think that the Cytotec could be what lead to Bregan's demise. There was basically no other reason why Bregan would have been born and suffered the way he did.
I will keep everyone updated if anything further from this develops, I really don't have much more to add. We are slowly healing, I have my very bitter days, and I do find that I am not as patient with people or tolerate stupid situations. My family gets all the patience I have, but I am sure they would disagree some days! Thank you for reading, your prayers and positive thoughts - they really do help!

A New Year.....

I have never been much on the whole New Year hoopla. I mean most people will be doing the same thing 364 days from now and making big promises about the new coming New Year. So I find, it's best if I just consider it a total inconvenience (no mail, businesses closed) and treat it like any other day on the calendar. Oh, and I find that I really despise holidays this year, so I am at least happy to see them go.
So, I have no new resolutions, I am not promising to be a better person, I am not looking forward to becoming another year older, I am not looking forward to my oldest son leaving. Though I am looking forward to loving my family even more, continuing to allow Bregan to work through us to become better people and maybe giving him a little brother or sister.
I wanted to add more to this blog, though it's kind of hard to at times. I mean what does one add to a blog that is dedicated to an Angel? I am not going to but my most inter private thoughts and feelings on here - they wouldn't be private then. Though I am going to work on adding more details to Bregan's birth story. I am remember giving birth to my Precious Bregan just like it happened 5 minutes ago, but there are a few blanks that others might be interested in me filling.
I hope everyone will check back in from time to time. Take care!

Bregan Michael - His Story in Words

Bregan Michael Webb was born at home on November 23, 2008 at 2:14 pm - 6 lbs 12 oz, 19.6 inches long. He was born floppy and not breathing. My midwife started CPR while my husband, Matthew called 911. I sat there on the birthing stool looking helplessly at my beautiful baby boy while the ambulance was in route. My labor with him was less than 40 minutes and it was very hard and very, very fast. My midwife made it 5 minutes before he came. My labor is what Bregan’s specialist later categorized as a precipitous labor. I was told this could have and has happened in hospitals, where the baby’s oxygen is cut off and the fluid is not squeezed from their lungs.

Bregan went to BACH in one ambulance and I in another with my husband following. Dakota, my oldest son stayed home with our daughter, Aidan while we were at the hospital. They intubated Bregan and he later pinked up and could breathe on his own. However, they decided to send him to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital because his chest X-ray was not looking good. I was fine, so we drove down to Vanderbilt to be with our new son.

The next two days we had so much hope that he would be home by Christmas. He may have a learning disability or suffer from seizures, but we would all be okay. By Tuesday night, his seizures were so bad that they had to put him back on the ventilator and needed us to come back to the NICU. Wednesday morning we were given the worst possible news. Bregan had sustained severe brain damage due to a lack of oxygen during the birth and the seizures basically shorted out the rest of his brain function. He was living on his brain stem with no hope for life off of life support. We had to make the decision to remove him from life support and allow him to go in peace.

Wednesday, November 26^th at 10 pm, we held Bregan while the ventilator was removed. Our brave little boy lived for 10 more hours. My husband and I held him all night while he labored and his little heart finally started to slow at sunrise. Our precious little Bregan wanted us to have one more sunrise with him. He passed away peacefully in our arms while we sat outside with him on Thanksgiving morning.

Because Bregan’s organs were so compromised by the lack of oxygen we were only able to donate his heart valves. I can only hope that our Angel can help another baby and his memory will live on forever with another family.

In lieu of monetary gifts, we are requesting that donations be sent to the following fund in Memory of Bregan Michael:

Make Checks Payable to:
NICU Social Worker Fund
Mail to:
Shirley Carpenter
Monroe Carell Jr.
Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt
Suite 4523
2200 Children's Way
Nashville, TN 37232-9950 (this zip code and the last 4 are really important)
615-322-0545

Please make a note that the donation is in Memory of Bregan Michael Webb with your return address if you need a tax receipt.

Bregan Michael - A Memorial in Pictures