Friday, March 27, 2009

4 Months....

Four Months ago today - Matthew and I said goodbye to our Sweet Bregan. Bregan grew his wings at 8 am on Thanksgiving morning (11/27/08) at 3 1/2 days old. I know it's easier to say he was 4 days - as he was born on the 23rd, but it's important that each moment in his short life was accounted for - KWIM?
So with each day, we heal a little more, but we never forget about our Angel at all. Aidan hasn't forgotten about Bregan, though she never met her little brother. She will still get pouty and say "my baby brother is in heaven". Dakota also misses Bregan and he sees the pain that I am in daily - I try not to be ill with him or Aidan over small stuff - but it's hard some days. I still show his pictures off and my heart still lurches with complete sadness for Bregan.
Matthew is still in AZ, so this separation has been very long and sad. Matthew did come home for the long President's day weekend in FEB. It was awesome to have him home, but it was too short! We are going to AZ to see him for Easter and happily Matthew will be home at the first of May to start degree completion at Austin Peay State University. It will be awesome to have him home for awhile instead of 2 or 3 months!
So for the past four months not a day goes by that I don't miss our Sweet Precious Little Angel! He was so beautiful - so prefect, even his funny looking little ear. I think it was folded in the womb for a few months - LOL! He even had this beautiful little birth mark on his forehead that was turn reddish when he was to warm or upset. He was just so beautiful - I will never forget his face or anything about him.
Every single day I regret my decision to choose the midwife that I did! To trust in someone so much and then have them let us down at the end! Time and time again I wish she had told me the name of the drug she was using to induce me or that I would have went to Blanchfield when I was feeling off or if we had just been more patient and let him come his own..... I begged and begged my midwife at Blanchfield to please induce me the week my husband was going to be home - but all I ever heard was no social inductions!! Arghh... It's not their fault and I do not blame them - I am just frustrated, that's all. Bitterness and anger does not even begin to describe how I feel about my midwife! Never were there any alarm bells that went off the whole time she treated me in concert with Blanchfield. I may have thought that she was not always as prompt for appointments that I wanted her to be. Though how many times have we sat in the doctor's office for 30+ minutes past our appointment time? My midwife gave me a drug - Cytotec that she knew little about and NEVER disclosed the dangers to me much less the exact name of it outside of prostagladins. Sadly I found out about it through another midwife, mine never, never, ever told me herself!! There is so much more I could say about it - but it only makes me angry and more bitter!
So here we are - without our Bregan 4 months on. I so wish we would have just had the doctor put a trach and a g-tube for feeding in him and we could have brought him home for a month or so. Just to have our baby sleep in his bed, hold him and change him and dress him and bathe him! But, with his extent of brain damage, it was his stem keeping him alive, so he would have always been "asleep" all day, everyday. Thankfully Matthew had the presence of mind to never let me talk us into doing that. It would have been harder, Aidan wouldn't have understood when she had to say goodbye to her Baby Brother, it would have been even harder to let him go and it would have been weird for Dakota as well.
In December Matthew and I got matching tattoos with Bregan's footprint and his dates. I was able to upload Matt's and I will have him take a picture of mine when he gets home. Also the awesome ladies from my MOMS Club gave me the prettiest Eternity Circle necklace - it had Bregan Michael on the front with Forever in My Heart on the back. Matthew also ordered me a really nice cuff bracelet from the same people that made my necklace. It has Bregan Michael on the front with his dates on the inside. I also ordered special vanity tags for our cars - Bregan Michael and his dates with little blue footprints. When you lose a baby - you can never do enough to let the world know he was here and real.
Thank you for reading and sharing Bregan with us through this blog. We miss him so much, but we are still so happy we got met him and love him - even if only for a short time....

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