Feeling Nostalgic

As Autumn begins, I really start feeling nostalgic about so much.... I remember going to the Pumpkin Patch when I was getting really big when I was pregnant with Bregan. I still have the same orange Happy Bunny Halloween top that I wore when I was pregnant Bregan and even Thalia. I remember shopping for little boy baby goodies 2 years ago... I remember trying to get as much second hand stuff as I possible could - I was being green. I remember seeing Matthew off as he left for one of his military schools for 7 weeks. I remember being pregnant with Bregan like it was yesterday.... I miss every single thing about my baby boy!
October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month - with the 15th as the official day. It stinks having to have Remembrance Day - no parent should ever have to say goodbye to their baby! I just love my Bregan and my heart still aches for him everyday in so many ways.... Time has healed our broken hearts, but it will never take away the pain of missing our baby boy!
Please visit http://www.october15th.com/ for more information about Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

19 Months

I can't believe our Sweet Little Bregan would be 19 months old today! Where has that time gone! Thalia will be 5 months old tomorrow, which is also hard to believe. I just wanted to post that we miss you Bregan and we love you sooooo very much! Your brother and sisters, Mommy and Daddy miss you terribly! We know that you are a sweet guardian angel and that you are helping other little angels along as they sadly arrive there with you. But I know that you do live on in the life of another child with your heart valves. We love you and miss you Bregan! Big Hugs and Kisses!!

Our Rainbow Baby

Our Rainbow Baby Girl - Thalia Evan, arrived after less than 6 hours of labor on 24 JAN 2010 at Vanderbilt University Hospital. It was a very healing and relaxing birth. It was also our 7th wedding anniversary! We took about 5 hours to finally name Thalia Evan - but we think the names suits her well.
I was so glad that we chose the OB and hospital we did for this birth! We felt Bregan's presence there in so many ways and that was very calming. I opted for an epi this time since I was going the pitocin route and really, it wasn't that bad at all. After the dramatic and painful birth of Bregan, we welcomed the relaxing and peaceful birth of Thalia.
Thalia Evan - Our Rainbow Baby Girl, 1/24/10, 2:57 CST, 8lbs 80z, 201/2 in long. Full head of reddish-blonde hair with natural highlights! Picture taken after her bath when she was about 4 hours old. She looks nothing like Dakota, Aidan or Bregan ! But she is soooo beautiful!

14 Months On....

I can't believe it's been 14 months since Bregan came into our lives! He brought such great hope, happiness, love, compassion, and so much more! I really do wonder what he would be like today - walking, crawling, eating, being guided and directed by his big sister??? We miss you so much Bregan!!
Today something else special will be taking place at Vanderbilt. This morning we are going in for our induction to meet the newest Webb member! My OB understands my desire to have him deliver our Rainbow daughter and deliver her in the hospital that is neighbors with Monroe Carrell's Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. We really didn't want to risk just going into labor and driving down to Nashville given that I tend to have quick'ish labors. Maybe next time, we will be more relaxed and willing to go with the flow, but this time I need someone that I trust.
We are excited, nervous, worried, scared, happy, and filled with an immense hope. We don't have a name yet - we are waiting to meet this little girl, but we have several in mind for her. We leave in a couple of hours to go to Vanderbilt L&D. Aidan is going to a friends house for the day and hopefully Daddy can pick her up tonight and bring her home. I am gonna miss my big girl that just turned 4 on the 21st~! Please see cutie pic of her blowing Daddy kisses.
I ask for your positive thoughts, vibes and prayers for a healthy and save delivery of this little girl! I ask that she come home with us and take her place as my 4th sweet baby and that she will nurse at the breast and love us just as much as we love her! I ask that our Sweet Guardian Angel Bregan know that he is not forgotten and that I miss him soooo much! I ask that you watch over your big brother Dakota while he is in Airborne school and your big sister Aidan while she adjust to your new little sister. But I ask of you to please look out after your baby sister and protect her even though I couldn't protect you. I love you Bregan and we miss you so much.....

Almost 1 year since we said Hello and Goodbye...

Well, here we are nearly 12 months since our Baby Bregan entered the world! I can't believe that a year has passed without our little boy. I never thought I would make it one day without him, but with the strength and love of my loving husband and family, here we are.
For me the loss of Bregan will always be a snapshot of the baby that he was and will always be in my heart. For Matthew, he thinks more about the milestones and how Bregan would be doing today. Either way - our hearts still ache for him and we miss him like crazy!
I will be updating more on the 23rd - Bregan's Birthday and add some pictures. We plan to do something special for Bregan's memory and in his honor. If you are interested in doing something in Bregan's honor, I asked that you please forward any monetary gift to the NICU Social Worker's Fund at Vandy:

Make Checks Payable to:
NICU Social Worker Fund
Mail to:
Shirley Carpenter
Monroe Carell Jr.
Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt
Suite 4523
2200 Children's Way
Nashville, TN 37232-9950 (this zip code and the last 4 are really important)
615-322-0545

Please make a note that the donation is in Memory of Bregan Michael Webb and add your return address if you need a tax receipt.

Many of you already know that we are bringing another beautiful Webb Baby into the fold in January! But in case, you follow this and don't know, we are due on the 29th, but we will go to Vanderbilt on the 24th for a pitocin induction with my OB. Part of me really wants to go naturally, especially after the nightmare we have been through with the Cytotec induction, but I really want to have our little girl at Vandy. Many people have said the following - "there was nothing wrong with your pregnancy before, so why not just a local hospital?" Vandy is one hour from us and given my track record of rapid labors, we can't really change trying to go after labor starts. Why?? Because after you lose one baby - you realize just how precious life really is and you never, ever want to take a chance again? Why not deliver at one of the Top 10 hospital in the US - Tricare covers it.....
I don't plan to turn this into a blog about our new baby girl - I may start to incorporate more about our family though. It's kind of hard to make updates about an Angel, but I promise to share more about where we are today.
Thank you all for reading!

10 Months Today....

It's been 10 months today since we said goodbye to our Sweet Bregan. We miss him sooo much! It hurts more as we get close to his 1st birthday and Angelverssary than ever before. I woke up this morning crying and soooo ANGRY! How could that Bitch be sooooo careless with me and our sweet Bregan?? How could she be so flippant about using Cytotec and then such a high dose?? Today I can say that I have NO forgiveness in my heart. I am trying not to be bitter, but it's so hard when I think about our sweet little boy and what he would be doing today.
I still go through the whole thing of WHAT IF! It's really hard when I replay my labor and my feelings. Hindsight is 20/20. But I know it's not going to bring Bregan back, it's just where I am with things right now.
Speaking of right now. Some of you may know that we are expecting a new Webb in January 2010. It's been healing to be pregnant, but then it's also been scary. What if I lose this baby to something completely unexpected?? We never thought we would ever lose one child! It could NEVER happen to us. I know this little girl has a guardian angel, but it's so unfair! Aidan should have her little brother here and I should be stressed out on what I am going to do with 3 little ones under the age of 4 in January - LOL!
I just wanted to update a little. As we get close to Bregan's birthday and Angelverssary, it will be hard, but I am so glad we got to know our little man if only for 4 days. Thank you for reading!

8 Months - already, but yet a life time....

WOW! I can't believe it's been 8 months since we last held Bregan! It seems like it has went by so quickly, yet it's like our life has been in slow motion. We still think about and miss our sweet Bregan every day.
Our eldest boyo Dakota, left for Army Basic Training on the 20th. We miss him, but I know he is bettering the rest of the world with his good looks and clever ways! We are very proud him and I know he will do well in his career as a PSYOP'er (Army MOS Psycological Operations). I actually got my act together to attach a picture of him at graduation and the day he left for Fort Benning. Handsome young man!
I finally wrote up something for my Homebirth Yahoo Group. I am tired of carrying around this frustration and I really never, ever want another Momma to go through what I went through. Our home birth was supposed to be unique and special. Time is healing, but I so often think about how things would have been different if I hadn't trusted the person I did or chosen a home birth or just swallowed my pride. I am not worried about being sued - I told the truth and let her bring on an attorney, then more of the truth will come out. As a matter of fact, I will post what I wrote here:
Hello Ladies,
I have been staying away from reading this board for the past 8 months, but I
feel that I need to tell a little of my story and I hope that it may help
someone. None of the information I am listing is made up or false.
I am not sure if Donna H is even delivering babies right now, if she is, please
read what I have to say. 8 months ago today we said goodbye to our precious baby
boy Bregan Michael as he died in our arms on Thanksgiving Day at Vanderbilt
Children's. Donna H gave me Cytotec without my knowledge to induce my labor at
home. She had only stated she was giving me natural prostagladins and when I
researched those, I found them safe. She never once mentioned Cytotec nor had I
even heard of it. She actually gave me 2 whole tablets in an 8 hour period, left
me to "rest" came back the following morning and gave me a castor oil cocktail
to re-jump start my labor, drove back home to Hopkinsville with instructions to
call her when my labor started. 40 minutes after my labor started, our son was
born at home. Donna made it with 5 minutes to spare. My husband called 911 when
Bregan was born not breathing and he was transported to BACH and then later to
Vanderbilt. My husband will forever be scared by a horrible labor and then later
having his son die in our arms.
Our son never stood a chance against 2 whole tablets of Cytotec without proper
monitoring over a 24 hour period. There was never a doubt in my mind about Donna
until the last crucial 24 hours - but then it was too late. On top of all of
this - even after Bregan passed, Donna NEVER told me about Cytotec! Ronii Grace
told me what she had given two months after we said goodbye to our angel. Ronii
passed away not long after she gave me that information; my heart was doubly
sadden to hear of such a great loss.
The biggest reason why I have decided to step forward now, is that I never want
anyone else to experience the heartache and complete sadness that we have felt
for the last 8 months. Our birth was supposed to be beautiful and wonderful. I
thought I had asked all of the correct questions and researched everything 10
times over. She acted so flippant and carelessly about it all. Even after I
called her with that information, she showed up at my house unannounced to try
to re-weave the story.
Please, this woman is dangerous and so is the medication Cytotec. My story is
real and I am not trying to slander someone for the heck of it - I am warning
other women. Thank you for reading.
Dianne

I am not bitter, but I still do hurt for Bregan. I can't expect my hurt and pain to just stop after 8 months. Our little boy would be crawling and pulling up everywhere right now! Into everything as well! He would still take sweet naps and nuzzle at the ninny during feeds. I would be giving him solids and complaining about it every step of the way, but overjoyed to see his reaction! Aidan would have her little baby brother to boss around and teach her wily tricks to - she is also a very clever girl!
Well, that's about all I have for now. I will update with more news as things develop. Things are changing in our life and we are healing. Thank you all for reading!