Almost 1 year since we said Hello and Goodbye...

Well, here we are nearly 12 months since our Baby Bregan entered the world! I can't believe that a year has passed without our little boy. I never thought I would make it one day without him, but with the strength and love of my loving husband and family, here we are.
For me the loss of Bregan will always be a snapshot of the baby that he was and will always be in my heart. For Matthew, he thinks more about the milestones and how Bregan would be doing today. Either way - our hearts still ache for him and we miss him like crazy!
I will be updating more on the 23rd - Bregan's Birthday and add some pictures. We plan to do something special for Bregan's memory and in his honor. If you are interested in doing something in Bregan's honor, I asked that you please forward any monetary gift to the NICU Social Worker's Fund at Vandy:

Make Checks Payable to:
NICU Social Worker Fund
Mail to:
Shirley Carpenter
Monroe Carell Jr.
Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt
Suite 4523
2200 Children's Way
Nashville, TN 37232-9950 (this zip code and the last 4 are really important)
615-322-0545

Please make a note that the donation is in Memory of Bregan Michael Webb and add your return address if you need a tax receipt.

Many of you already know that we are bringing another beautiful Webb Baby into the fold in January! But in case, you follow this and don't know, we are due on the 29th, but we will go to Vanderbilt on the 24th for a pitocin induction with my OB. Part of me really wants to go naturally, especially after the nightmare we have been through with the Cytotec induction, but I really want to have our little girl at Vandy. Many people have said the following - "there was nothing wrong with your pregnancy before, so why not just a local hospital?" Vandy is one hour from us and given my track record of rapid labors, we can't really change trying to go after labor starts. Why?? Because after you lose one baby - you realize just how precious life really is and you never, ever want to take a chance again? Why not deliver at one of the Top 10 hospital in the US - Tricare covers it.....
I don't plan to turn this into a blog about our new baby girl - I may start to incorporate more about our family though. It's kind of hard to make updates about an Angel, but I promise to share more about where we are today.
Thank you all for reading!

10 Months Today....

It's been 10 months today since we said goodbye to our Sweet Bregan. We miss him sooo much! It hurts more as we get close to his 1st birthday and Angelverssary than ever before. I woke up this morning crying and soooo ANGRY! How could that Bitch be sooooo careless with me and our sweet Bregan?? How could she be so flippant about using Cytotec and then such a high dose?? Today I can say that I have NO forgiveness in my heart. I am trying not to be bitter, but it's so hard when I think about our sweet little boy and what he would be doing today.
I still go through the whole thing of WHAT IF! It's really hard when I replay my labor and my feelings. Hindsight is 20/20. But I know it's not going to bring Bregan back, it's just where I am with things right now.
Speaking of right now. Some of you may know that we are expecting a new Webb in January 2010. It's been healing to be pregnant, but then it's also been scary. What if I lose this baby to something completely unexpected?? We never thought we would ever lose one child! It could NEVER happen to us. I know this little girl has a guardian angel, but it's so unfair! Aidan should have her little brother here and I should be stressed out on what I am going to do with 3 little ones under the age of 4 in January - LOL!
I just wanted to update a little. As we get close to Bregan's birthday and Angelverssary, it will be hard, but I am so glad we got to know our little man if only for 4 days. Thank you for reading!

8 Months - already, but yet a life time....

WOW! I can't believe it's been 8 months since we last held Bregan! It seems like it has went by so quickly, yet it's like our life has been in slow motion. We still think about and miss our sweet Bregan every day.
Our eldest boyo Dakota, left for Army Basic Training on the 20th. We miss him, but I know he is bettering the rest of the world with his good looks and clever ways! We are very proud him and I know he will do well in his career as a PSYOP'er (Army MOS Psycological Operations). I actually got my act together to attach a picture of him at graduation and the day he left for Fort Benning. Handsome young man!
I finally wrote up something for my Homebirth Yahoo Group. I am tired of carrying around this frustration and I really never, ever want another Momma to go through what I went through. Our home birth was supposed to be unique and special. Time is healing, but I so often think about how things would have been different if I hadn't trusted the person I did or chosen a home birth or just swallowed my pride. I am not worried about being sued - I told the truth and let her bring on an attorney, then more of the truth will come out. As a matter of fact, I will post what I wrote here:
Hello Ladies,
I have been staying away from reading this board for the past 8 months, but I
feel that I need to tell a little of my story and I hope that it may help
someone. None of the information I am listing is made up or false.
I am not sure if Donna H is even delivering babies right now, if she is, please
read what I have to say. 8 months ago today we said goodbye to our precious baby
boy Bregan Michael as he died in our arms on Thanksgiving Day at Vanderbilt
Children's. Donna H gave me Cytotec without my knowledge to induce my labor at
home. She had only stated she was giving me natural prostagladins and when I
researched those, I found them safe. She never once mentioned Cytotec nor had I
even heard of it. She actually gave me 2 whole tablets in an 8 hour period, left
me to "rest" came back the following morning and gave me a castor oil cocktail
to re-jump start my labor, drove back home to Hopkinsville with instructions to
call her when my labor started. 40 minutes after my labor started, our son was
born at home. Donna made it with 5 minutes to spare. My husband called 911 when
Bregan was born not breathing and he was transported to BACH and then later to
Vanderbilt. My husband will forever be scared by a horrible labor and then later
having his son die in our arms.
Our son never stood a chance against 2 whole tablets of Cytotec without proper
monitoring over a 24 hour period. There was never a doubt in my mind about Donna
until the last crucial 24 hours - but then it was too late. On top of all of
this - even after Bregan passed, Donna NEVER told me about Cytotec! Ronii Grace
told me what she had given two months after we said goodbye to our angel. Ronii
passed away not long after she gave me that information; my heart was doubly
sadden to hear of such a great loss.
The biggest reason why I have decided to step forward now, is that I never want
anyone else to experience the heartache and complete sadness that we have felt
for the last 8 months. Our birth was supposed to be beautiful and wonderful. I
thought I had asked all of the correct questions and researched everything 10
times over. She acted so flippant and carelessly about it all. Even after I
called her with that information, she showed up at my house unannounced to try
to re-weave the story.
Please, this woman is dangerous and so is the medication Cytotec. My story is
real and I am not trying to slander someone for the heck of it - I am warning
other women. Thank you for reading.
Dianne

I am not bitter, but I still do hurt for Bregan. I can't expect my hurt and pain to just stop after 8 months. Our little boy would be crawling and pulling up everywhere right now! Into everything as well! He would still take sweet naps and nuzzle at the ninny during feeds. I would be giving him solids and complaining about it every step of the way, but overjoyed to see his reaction! Aidan would have her little baby brother to boss around and teach her wily tricks to - she is also a very clever girl!
Well, that's about all I have for now. I will update with more news as things develop. Things are changing in our life and we are healing. Thank you all for reading!

6 Months Since Bregan Grew His Wings....

Today marked 6 months since we held our Little Bregan for the last time. We miss him so much! I think it's so much harder on Aidan at times. She talks about Bregan everyday and she never got to meet him or hold him. But, she knows how important to everyone that he is and she feels a loss after many months of building her up for a little brother! Aidan is so sweet and is growing into quite the little lady. She is very SPIRITED and def a mini-me of both of us.
My MIL left after a visit this weekend. She was in for Dakota's high school graduation. Awwww, my first Baby graduated from Northeast High School with HONORS!! We didn't know it until we looked at the program! I don't think he did neither! He is such a Clever Boy! I will post pictures when I get them uploaded from my camera - I forgot the memory card, so they are on the cameras memory. Dakota will leave us for basic training in July at Fort Benning, GA. He will later go to Fort Bragg for his PSYOP AIT. I know a lot of confusing acronyms, I must get away from them - LOL! Anyway - we are going to miss our Big Boyo! Matthew will not have anyone to play video games and work on cars with. Aidan will miss her Dakota (Ko-Ko) and I will miss by first baby. I am so proud of him.
We lost my Momma on April 15th. She died after being in an unresponsive state for 9 days after falling and suffering a brain bleed. It was very sad to watch her slowly waste away. She had a DNR that prevented any life saving measures outside of pain management. However, I must say that Botetourt Funeral Home in Virginia, did an outstanding job on restoring her beauty! She looked REGAL!
Matthew is home from his last school in becoming an Army Officer. He has finally made the transition from being a Non Commissioned Officer. He starts degree completion at Austin Peay Sate University. He will be majoring in Accounting. I am so very proud him and I am looking forward to having him home for a bit.
We think of and miss Bregan every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't think about nursing him or cuddling him. Today I would have started introducing solid - maybe. I am very lazy when it comes to that - I am happy and contend to breastfeed - minimal work = maximum happiness!
We went to the Children's Garden Memorial at Vanderbilt Children's on the 17th of May. It was a very nice Memorial for all children that grew their wings while at Vanderbilt. There was a harpist there for the music, everyone (how wanted their child to participate) had the names read off, and then planted a flower in the Children's Garden in front of the hospital. It was very special. We really didn't want to go - but it was very healing and I am so glad we went.... I got to see Bregan's nurse there, Mylinda, she is sooooo sweet. She lost a baby 14 years ago and she knows our pain better than most. But everyone that works at Vandy are very special people!
I guess that is about all for now. I am not that great with keeping up with my blog. I am trying to spend more time away from the computer, but I know a few people do read it. I promise to upload some pictures (this century) soon. Thank you for reading and your continued prayers and thoughts.

4 Months....

Four Months ago today - Matthew and I said goodbye to our Sweet Bregan. Bregan grew his wings at 8 am on Thanksgiving morning (11/27/08) at 3 1/2 days old. I know it's easier to say he was 4 days - as he was born on the 23rd, but it's important that each moment in his short life was accounted for - KWIM?
So with each day, we heal a little more, but we never forget about our Angel at all. Aidan hasn't forgotten about Bregan, though she never met her little brother. She will still get pouty and say "my baby brother is in heaven". Dakota also misses Bregan and he sees the pain that I am in daily - I try not to be ill with him or Aidan over small stuff - but it's hard some days. I still show his pictures off and my heart still lurches with complete sadness for Bregan.
Matthew is still in AZ, so this separation has been very long and sad. Matthew did come home for the long President's day weekend in FEB. It was awesome to have him home, but it was too short! We are going to AZ to see him for Easter and happily Matthew will be home at the first of May to start degree completion at Austin Peay State University. It will be awesome to have him home for awhile instead of 2 or 3 months!
So for the past four months not a day goes by that I don't miss our Sweet Precious Little Angel! He was so beautiful - so prefect, even his funny looking little ear. I think it was folded in the womb for a few months - LOL! He even had this beautiful little birth mark on his forehead that was turn reddish when he was to warm or upset. He was just so beautiful - I will never forget his face or anything about him.
Every single day I regret my decision to choose the midwife that I did! To trust in someone so much and then have them let us down at the end! Time and time again I wish she had told me the name of the drug she was using to induce me or that I would have went to Blanchfield when I was feeling off or if we had just been more patient and let him come his own..... I begged and begged my midwife at Blanchfield to please induce me the week my husband was going to be home - but all I ever heard was no social inductions!! Arghh... It's not their fault and I do not blame them - I am just frustrated, that's all. Bitterness and anger does not even begin to describe how I feel about my midwife! Never were there any alarm bells that went off the whole time she treated me in concert with Blanchfield. I may have thought that she was not always as prompt for appointments that I wanted her to be. Though how many times have we sat in the doctor's office for 30+ minutes past our appointment time? My midwife gave me a drug - Cytotec that she knew little about and NEVER disclosed the dangers to me much less the exact name of it outside of prostagladins. Sadly I found out about it through another midwife, mine never, never, ever told me herself!! There is so much more I could say about it - but it only makes me angry and more bitter!
So here we are - without our Bregan 4 months on. I so wish we would have just had the doctor put a trach and a g-tube for feeding in him and we could have brought him home for a month or so. Just to have our baby sleep in his bed, hold him and change him and dress him and bathe him! But, with his extent of brain damage, it was his stem keeping him alive, so he would have always been "asleep" all day, everyday. Thankfully Matthew had the presence of mind to never let me talk us into doing that. It would have been harder, Aidan wouldn't have understood when she had to say goodbye to her Baby Brother, it would have been even harder to let him go and it would have been weird for Dakota as well.
In December Matthew and I got matching tattoos with Bregan's footprint and his dates. I was able to upload Matt's and I will have him take a picture of mine when he gets home. Also the awesome ladies from my MOMS Club gave me the prettiest Eternity Circle necklace - it had Bregan Michael on the front with Forever in My Heart on the back. Matthew also ordered me a really nice cuff bracelet from the same people that made my necklace. It has Bregan Michael on the front with his dates on the inside. I also ordered special vanity tags for our cars - Bregan Michael and his dates with little blue footprints. When you lose a baby - you can never do enough to let the world know he was here and real.
Thank you for reading and sharing Bregan with us through this blog. We miss him so much, but we are still so happy we got met him and love him - even if only for a short time....

A little Update...

Greetings all! I hope the New Year is treating everyone well. I know a few people still pop in here to see if I have had any updates or made any changes. Well I do have an update. About a month ago, I was speaking with another home birth midwife that actually knows the one that I used (I introduced the two of them through email). She informed me that my midwife used a drug on me to induce my labor called Cytotec. I was very shocked as I had never heard of the drug or heard my midwife make reference to it. Sadly my midwife only referred to the induction drug as "prostagladins", and while Cytotec is a form of prostagladin, she never told me the exact name. The worst part - she gave me a very large dose and large doses leads to exactly what happened to Bregan. Our sweet angel died a very horrible death, with brain bleeds, siezures and many more severe insults. We went to the autopsy report before Matthew left for school and it was soooo heartbreaking. I have been in touch with Bregan's doctor since I found out this information and he does think that the Cytotec could be what lead to Bregan's demise. There was basically no other reason why Bregan would have been born and suffered the way he did.
I will keep everyone updated if anything further from this develops, I really don't have much more to add. We are slowly healing, I have my very bitter days, and I do find that I am not as patient with people or tolerate stupid situations. My family gets all the patience I have, but I am sure they would disagree some days! Thank you for reading, your prayers and positive thoughts - they really do help!

A New Year.....

I have never been much on the whole New Year hoopla. I mean most people will be doing the same thing 364 days from now and making big promises about the new coming New Year. So I find, it's best if I just consider it a total inconvenience (no mail, businesses closed) and treat it like any other day on the calendar. Oh, and I find that I really despise holidays this year, so I am at least happy to see them go.
So, I have no new resolutions, I am not promising to be a better person, I am not looking forward to becoming another year older, I am not looking forward to my oldest son leaving. Though I am looking forward to loving my family even more, continuing to allow Bregan to work through us to become better people and maybe giving him a little brother or sister.
I wanted to add more to this blog, though it's kind of hard to at times. I mean what does one add to a blog that is dedicated to an Angel? I am not going to but my most inter private thoughts and feelings on here - they wouldn't be private then. Though I am going to work on adding more details to Bregan's birth story. I am remember giving birth to my Precious Bregan just like it happened 5 minutes ago, but there are a few blanks that others might be interested in me filling.
I hope everyone will check back in from time to time. Take care!