Sunday, November 23, 2014
It's hard to believe that 6 years ago today, we met our beautiful little boy! So much as happened since then, but his birthday and the whirlwind over the next few days, is still so vivid in our minds. Yes time has healed our hearts, but on this particular birthday (and Angel-versary, the exact dates line up again), I still feel a bitterness and self blame. Only a parent of an infant or baby that has passed to quickly, will understand. I feel self blame for picking the midwife I did, for not listening to my gut when I was worried, and for not saving our son with our love and faith. I didn't blog last year, we had a lot going on (when haven't we!!) and it really wasn't on my heart to. However, I will include a few tidbits about last year in this post. Last year, we celebrated with just ourselves and of course our last baby girl - Harlow. She is now 22 months and one of the joys of our life! In the past as a part of Bregan's birthday, we have donated money to the NICU Social Workers Fund at Vanderbilt, but last year we decided to do something local. I was able to buy two car seats for a mother at Thalia's preschool in AZ. She had her children in unsafe seats and that's one thing I am very passionate about. When I mean unsafe - I mean she had her very large 18 month old in a rear facing bucket seat, but it was forward facing and secured with a seat belt across it! Her 3 year old was in a no back booster with the belt behind his back. I bought the appropriate seats for her and installed them in her car - she was very grateful and wasn't insulted. This year, I haven't figured out what to do. Monetery has a different demographics and one of the big causes here is helping the homeless. Not saying that's not a good cause, it's just not the one I am helping fund this year. So, we have decided to wait to do something special when it becomes evident to us. The holidays can be harder for some. Not a day goes by that I don't think our sweet baby boy in some way other another. Today - we will celebrate knowing him and meeting him. The joy can be bitter sweet at times, giving that I know the outcome. But, I try to remember our excitement and love the same as I do with the birth of my other babies. Bregan changed us - I like to think he changed us for the better. Our already strong marriage, became rock solid. The love for my other children grew, the caution I have with other things (car seat safety for one) developed and I learned to be grateful for more things in life. But that's not to say that some darkness didn't come along with that growth and change. I am very grateful for the 14 months of therapy we benefited from. And I am especially grateful for our rainbow babies! If you have lost a baby (infant, stillborn, SIDS, etc...) then you will understand what that Rainbow Baby can mean. It means a little light to the darkness that has clouded your heart. I never wanted to leave my other husband and other children - but I wanted the pain and memories to stop! Now, I wish I could remember every second of our sweet boys life! Thank you for reading this - thank you for sharing our love of our sweet boy. Please take a moment to scroll down to my previous post and view our slideshow celebrating our beautiful little boy! Also, I posted a picture of Bregan's youngest sister! The girls love their brother and love to celebrate Bregan - I am glad he is important them!! Love and Hugs everyone!