Happy 6th Birthday to Our Sweet Angel!

It's hard to believe that 6 years ago today, we met our beautiful little boy! So much as happened since then, but his birthday and the whirlwind over the next few days, is still so vivid in our minds. Yes time has healed our hearts, but on this particular birthday (and Angel-versary, the exact dates line up again), I still feel a bitterness and self blame. Only a parent of an infant or baby that has passed to quickly, will understand. I feel self blame for picking the midwife I did, for not listening to my gut when I was worried, and for not saving our son with our love and faith. I didn't blog last year, we had a lot going on (when haven't we!!) and it really wasn't on my heart to. However, I will include a few tidbits about last year in this post. Last year, we celebrated with just ourselves and of course our last baby girl - Harlow. She is now 22 months and one of the joys of our life! In the past as a part of Bregan's birthday, we have donated money to the NICU Social Workers Fund at Vanderbilt, but last year we decided to do something local. I was able to buy two car seats for a mother at Thalia's preschool in AZ. She had her children in unsafe seats and that's one thing I am very passionate about. When I mean unsafe - I mean she had her very large 18 month old in a rear facing bucket seat, but it was forward facing and secured with a seat belt across it! Her 3 year old was in a no back booster with the belt behind his back. I bought the appropriate seats for her and installed them in her car - she was very grateful and wasn't insulted. This year, I haven't figured out what to do. Monetery has a different demographics and one of the big causes here is helping the homeless. Not saying that's not a good cause, it's just not the one I am helping fund this year. So, we have decided to wait to do something special when it becomes evident to us. The holidays can be harder for some. Not a day goes by that I don't think our sweet baby boy in some way other another. Today - we will celebrate knowing him and meeting him. The joy can be bitter sweet at times, giving that I know the outcome. But, I try to remember our excitement and love the same as I do with the birth of my other babies. Bregan changed us - I like to think he changed us for the better. Our already strong marriage, became rock solid. The love for my other children grew, the caution I have with other things (car seat safety for one) developed and I learned to be grateful for more things in life. But that's not to say that some darkness didn't come along with that growth and change. I am very grateful for the 14 months of therapy we benefited from. And I am especially grateful for our rainbow babies! If you have lost a baby (infant, stillborn, SIDS, etc...) then you will understand what that Rainbow Baby can mean. It means a little light to the darkness that has clouded your heart. I never wanted to leave my other husband and other children - but I wanted the pain and memories to stop! Now, I wish I could remember every second of our sweet boys life! Thank you for reading this - thank you for sharing our love of our sweet boy. Please take a moment to scroll down to my previous post and view our slideshow celebrating our beautiful little boy! Also, I posted a picture of Bregan's youngest sister! The girls love their brother and love to celebrate Bregan - I am glad he is important them!! Love and Hugs everyone!

Four Years On....Hard to Believe....

Well, it looks like I am only updating our blog once a year. I will take this as a sign up healing and that life does truly move forward. We haven't forgotten about Bregan, he is on my mind everyday in some shape or form. But, we have moved on with life and our growing family. We are actually expecting #5! Yes, I do say #5 because this my 5th sweet baby. Bregan still counts as #3 and no one can ever take that way from him. This is our last baby though, so my sweet Angel will always be my middle child! Not sure what that means with the birth order, but it's a special place for us. Oh and we are expecting another girl in January - so that's 3 girls in January, 1 boyo in August and 1 boyo in November. Lots going on in the Webb household in January. This year for Bregan's birthday it was a little different. Matthew is deployed (so is big brother, Dakota), so we had to spend Bregan's birthday on our own - just the girls and I. It wasn't that bad, as we split things up this year because Thanksgiving fell on 22nd, so Black Friday was the 23rd (Bregan's birthday). So the 21st (Wednesday), we took our check to the Vanderbilt for the NICU Social Workers Fund. Aidan and Thalia were out of school, so we made a day of it. It was nice to see Shirley (executive secretary) and Dr Walsh (head of the NICU) and a few other social workers. It was nice that there were social workers there that had not even met Bregan, but knew who he was! I realize that a lot of families of Angels give money, resources, time, etc... to organizations that directly help bereaved families. I think this is awesome - but we will never forget the love and support we had in those few short scary days that Bregan was in the NICU. We would rather honor his memory by helping families of surviving babies that things can be made a little easier for them. Bregan passed away on Thanksgiving Day in 2008. Honestly, Thanksgiving has never been the same for us. We never really did a great deal, but it's kind of anticlimactic for us now. Plus with Matthew gone this year - it was even more "meh"..... Last year I ran a 5K "Pass the Turkey - Turkey Trot" on Thanksgiving morning and this year I (we) did the same! I pushed Thalia in the jogger, Aidan ran and I jogged and walked. Running is tougher at 33 weeks pregnant for me, but I am glad we got out and done it! The money and canned goods went to Manna Cafe. Also we started a new tradition - we volunteered and served at the Community Thanksgiving Dinner held by Manna Cafe. Manna Cafe's mission is to feed the hungry and needy of Clarksville - I am so glad that the girls and I got to help out. There was so much food, that we even got a nice turkey dinner as well! Aidan was pleased to help out and clean up afterward - she is growing into such a wonderful big girl! On Bregan's birthday, I got a cake with his name, we put 4 candles on his cake, made a special wish and sang happy birthday to our sweet Baby Bregan! The cake was tasty - but it was also bitter to my heart. I wish he could be here to blow out his own candles. While we have healed and moved forward, our hearts are always just a bit empty and I still cry thinking about our sweet baby and how different life would be now. I am very grateful for my sweeties on earth though - Dakota is now 21 and an E5 in the Army (deployed to Afghanistan as well), Aidan is 6 and a brilliant reader and student, Thalia is 2 and trying to fill her big sisters shoes in every way! And we are excited to meet our new little girl in 2013 (no official announcement on the name yet)! Lastly - I want to thank Nicki and Steve Clay along with Stephanie Hubble. On November 27th, 2008 (Thanksgiving Day), I could hardly think or comprehend what we had just been through by telling our sweet Bregan goodbye. I remember we stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home, picked up some beer, cabbage leaves (to dry my milk up), a toy for Aidan and a video game for Dakota. Turkey, dressing, sides, etc... were the last things on our minds. I remember Steve and Nicki bringing dishes of Thanksgiving dinner and how grateful we felt! I know it was hard for them to come into our home at such an awkward time - the day our son passed away. But we will forever hold that memory so close and dear to our hearts. I hope we can be there for someone else in their time of need the way they were for us. So while that is not an entire year in words, it does sum up how we continue to move forward in our healing and how much we love our sweet baby Bregan. Thank you for reading!!

Please feel free to view Bregan's slide show - we love to share him in every way we can.

3 Years On..... The Healing....

When Bregan passed away 3 years ago, I never thought our broken hearts would heal. I thought I would live out the rest of my life in a pit of despair and darkness. I actually questioned every single thing I did for long time - was it the right choice? A mother always blames herself when something "happens".... That is just life.
It's funny - in the past couple of months, my heart has ached more for Bregan than in a long time. Maybe it's just the magical age of 3 that I was looking forward to - this is the age that they turn the corner and everything looks different, feels different, sounds different. They start developing lasting memories and they start being a real little person. We miss that with Bregan....
Though for some remarkable reason - his birthday on the 23rd brought healing!! It brought a lighter heart and a renewed since of love! My heart will always be broken for Bregan - but time does take the rawness and total despair away. For the first time in quite sometime I didn't cringe when I thought of his birth. I didn't weep and feel like someone stabbed me in my heart. Even when we went to the NICU to take a check for Bregan's Birthday to the Social Worker Fund, I didn't break down and cry the second I set foot on the floor. Instead, I thought about how much I love this little boy that is now an Angel and how he changed our lives forever! I didn't think about how much pain I went through during his birth (which really was a great deal under the circumstances) or the the Life Flight nurse told us that Bregan was a very sick little boy and may not make it.... I thought about how much we love him and treasure his memory - how beautiful he was and his funny little bent ear...
We miss Bregan with every single fiber and being - we miss him and there will always be an ache in our hearts, but time does heal....
A lot of our healing has come through our other children. Our first daughter Aidan, never got to meet Bregan - she saw him for a second when he was whisked away by the EMS and we just didn't feel like it was the right thing to take our 2 1/2 year old to meet her dying brother....But she has always missed and loved him just as much. There is a star that shines a little brighter every night and she calls that "Bregan's Star". Dakota was a rock for us - I really missed him when he left home - but I am still very proud of my 20 year old young man! He is now a Specialist in the Army stationed at Fort Bragg, NC. Thalia is now 22 months old! Time has really went by quickly with her, but she is still our baby right now and she enjoys being an independent baby at that! She is our Rainbow Baby.... She really helped heal our hearts. Bringing her home and loving her, lifted us and went along way to easing the bitterness and pain. But without the love and strength of my husband, I NEVER would have made it through those darkest moments.... Matthew picked me up and pulled me through the pain and despair I felt. He clung to me and cried just as hard. He leaned on me and needed me as much as I needed him. Our marriage became so much stronger through this tragedy.... The love I have for my husband is deeper than I can ever put in words.... So just trust me!
So, I just want to close this update with the link to Bregan's Video - http://rememberingbregan.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-12-15T16:57:00-08:00&max-results=7 This will take you back to the first page of the blog. Please watch it if you have moment. Sometimes when I am really missing my Baby Bregan, I will sit down and watch it and cry my heart out and somehow I feel so much better afterward.
In closing I wanted to share something with you. Rita Fye, Bregan's Social Worker retired this year from 42 years of service at Vandy. When I called last week to arrange a time to bring Bregan's birthday donation down, I asked if Rita would be in. When Shirley told me she had retired - I felt that I lost my baby all over again! It was strange! Rita isn't dead - she just retired to enjoy life without working 8-10 hours a day! But it was that very special bond that I had with her that meant so much to me....I cried over not getting to see her and hug her this very special woman.... Hopefully we will see her at the Children's Memorial Garden in the Spring.
Thank you for reading and sharing this moment with me.
xoxoxox's

Nearly Two Years

It has been nearly two years since we held our sweet little boy! I will never forget what he looked like and how wonderful and cuddly he was. I often wonder how he would be today - running around at top speed or laid back and calm in the midst of his older sister.
I think the thing that gets me the most is saying that it's been "2 years"! Two YEARS! WOW! Where did this time go? Our hearts have healed with time - but it's still not fair! We should be planning for a fun birthday, getting ready to go to a big boy bed, learning the ABC song, etc... Two years also becomes plural - like really long ago Bregan was here... It's just odd.
So, we are planning to visit Vanderbilt for his birthday and present a check to the NICU Social Workers Fund. If anyone wants to donate in Bregan's Memory, please see the info in my very first post or the post for Bregan's first birthday. This year though we are giving part of his birthday money to a fund for a friend whose daughter has Neuroblastoma. Hopefully she will be fine and they have caught it quickly enough.
Thank you for reading and I promise to update more on Bregan's birthday!

Feeling Nostalgic

As Autumn begins, I really start feeling nostalgic about so much.... I remember going to the Pumpkin Patch when I was getting really big when I was pregnant with Bregan. I still have the same orange Happy Bunny Halloween top that I wore when I was pregnant Bregan and even Thalia. I remember shopping for little boy baby goodies 2 years ago... I remember trying to get as much second hand stuff as I possible could - I was being green. I remember seeing Matthew off as he left for one of his military schools for 7 weeks. I remember being pregnant with Bregan like it was yesterday.... I miss every single thing about my baby boy!
October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month - with the 15th as the official day. It stinks having to have Remembrance Day - no parent should ever have to say goodbye to their baby! I just love my Bregan and my heart still aches for him everyday in so many ways.... Time has healed our broken hearts, but it will never take away the pain of missing our baby boy!
Please visit http://www.october15th.com/ for more information about Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

19 Months

I can't believe our Sweet Little Bregan would be 19 months old today! Where has that time gone! Thalia will be 5 months old tomorrow, which is also hard to believe. I just wanted to post that we miss you Bregan and we love you sooooo very much! Your brother and sisters, Mommy and Daddy miss you terribly! We know that you are a sweet guardian angel and that you are helping other little angels along as they sadly arrive there with you. But I know that you do live on in the life of another child with your heart valves. We love you and miss you Bregan! Big Hugs and Kisses!!