3 Years On..... The Healing....

When Bregan passed away 3 years ago, I never thought our broken hearts would heal. I thought I would live out the rest of my life in a pit of despair and darkness. I actually questioned every single thing I did for long time - was it the right choice? A mother always blames herself when something "happens".... That is just life.
It's funny - in the past couple of months, my heart has ached more for Bregan than in a long time. Maybe it's just the magical age of 3 that I was looking forward to - this is the age that they turn the corner and everything looks different, feels different, sounds different. They start developing lasting memories and they start being a real little person. We miss that with Bregan....
Though for some remarkable reason - his birthday on the 23rd brought healing!! It brought a lighter heart and a renewed since of love! My heart will always be broken for Bregan - but time does take the rawness and total despair away. For the first time in quite sometime I didn't cringe when I thought of his birth. I didn't weep and feel like someone stabbed me in my heart. Even when we went to the NICU to take a check for Bregan's Birthday to the Social Worker Fund, I didn't break down and cry the second I set foot on the floor. Instead, I thought about how much I love this little boy that is now an Angel and how he changed our lives forever! I didn't think about how much pain I went through during his birth (which really was a great deal under the circumstances) or the the Life Flight nurse told us that Bregan was a very sick little boy and may not make it.... I thought about how much we love him and treasure his memory - how beautiful he was and his funny little bent ear...
We miss Bregan with every single fiber and being - we miss him and there will always be an ache in our hearts, but time does heal....
A lot of our healing has come through our other children. Our first daughter Aidan, never got to meet Bregan - she saw him for a second when he was whisked away by the EMS and we just didn't feel like it was the right thing to take our 2 1/2 year old to meet her dying brother....But she has always missed and loved him just as much. There is a star that shines a little brighter every night and she calls that "Bregan's Star". Dakota was a rock for us - I really missed him when he left home - but I am still very proud of my 20 year old young man! He is now a Specialist in the Army stationed at Fort Bragg, NC. Thalia is now 22 months old! Time has really went by quickly with her, but she is still our baby right now and she enjoys being an independent baby at that! She is our Rainbow Baby.... She really helped heal our hearts. Bringing her home and loving her, lifted us and went along way to easing the bitterness and pain. But without the love and strength of my husband, I NEVER would have made it through those darkest moments.... Matthew picked me up and pulled me through the pain and despair I felt. He clung to me and cried just as hard. He leaned on me and needed me as much as I needed him. Our marriage became so much stronger through this tragedy.... The love I have for my husband is deeper than I can ever put in words.... So just trust me!
So, I just want to close this update with the link to Bregan's Video - http://rememberingbregan.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-12-15T16:57:00-08:00&max-results=7 This will take you back to the first page of the blog. Please watch it if you have moment. Sometimes when I am really missing my Baby Bregan, I will sit down and watch it and cry my heart out and somehow I feel so much better afterward.
In closing I wanted to share something with you. Rita Fye, Bregan's Social Worker retired this year from 42 years of service at Vandy. When I called last week to arrange a time to bring Bregan's birthday donation down, I asked if Rita would be in. When Shirley told me she had retired - I felt that I lost my baby all over again! It was strange! Rita isn't dead - she just retired to enjoy life without working 8-10 hours a day! But it was that very special bond that I had with her that meant so much to me....I cried over not getting to see her and hug her this very special woman.... Hopefully we will see her at the Children's Memorial Garden in the Spring.
Thank you for reading and sharing this moment with me.
xoxoxox's